As Long As I Have You
by BobSince1934
Summary: Sara goes through a terrible breakup, and it seems like Tegan's the only one there to comfort her. Quincest. Rated T for now, but possibly M in the future.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

It was 3:24 pm on August 12, their first official day of touring, that Sara's world as she knew it came crashing down.

Sara, her identical twin Tegan, and the rest of her band mates had been practicing the songs on their set list for what seemed like the millionth time even though they had every song down pat. They wanted the first show of the tour to be perfet. The Quin twins, as they were affectionately called by their fans, wanted to prove to their fans that they could get through a concert without making any major mistakes such as forgetting the words to their songs, or worse forgetting how to play a song, both crimes they had been guilty of commiting more than once.

They finished playing the last song on the list, Call It Off, and happy with their performance they put their instruments away to rest until that night's show.

Ted, the guitar player, Shaun, the bassist, and Johnny, the drummer, decided that they'd go sight-seeing. It's not every day you get to visit Paris. Sara was tempted to join them, but she knew two things; one, she was tired as fuck, and two, they were playing another show here tomorrow night.

She hadn't gotten much sleep last night due to the fact that she had to wake up at 4:00 this morning to catch their 6:30 flight, which of course had ended up being delayed for two hours. She would've slept on the plane if it hadn't been for Tegan. She'd had the misfortune of sitting next to her sister. If only she could've sat next to Ted, who was asleep himself the whole trip. But no, she got the job of comforting the only person in their band scared of flying.

As always she tried to convince Tegan that if she slept through the flight, she wouldn't have anything to be scared of, but Tegan flat-out refused to sleep on an airplane. Something about if it was going to crash she wanted to be awake, so she had at least a small window of opportunity to think of a plan to save herself before the plane finally hit the ground, or water in this case. So instead of getting some much needed rest, Sara did everything she could to distract Tegan and make her forget they were flying at all. She'd taken the window seat, so Tegan couldn't look out at the clouds or down at the water, she'd conversed with her, she'd watched a movie with her, and she played mindless games of hangman and tic-tac-toe with her. None of it had really been worth it until they got off the flight and Tegan told her how grateful she was to have such a caring younger sister and then hugged her.

Sara felt a warmth in the pit of her stomach as she recollected the memory of the hug. Sisterly love she named it. It was an emotion neither twin hardly ever felt. They weren't the closest sisters in the world, and they rarely showed any affection towards the other. A lot of they time they did the opposite, arguing over stupid little things, getting into fist fights, and making death threats. But despite the occasional tiff, they did have each other's backs.

Sara made her way back to the hotel and almost immediately began to fall asleep. It was during that surreal moment when she was awake, but asleep at the same time that her phone beeped alerting her that she had a new text message.

She debated ignoring it and going back to sleep, but there was always the small possibility that it was actually important, so she took her phone out of her pocket and read the text.

_

* * *

_

Tegan had stayed behind and offered to help the stage crew with getting the lighting set up.

She received a text at the exact same time Sara did unbeknownst to her then. It was from Emy. It wasn't uncommon for her sister's girlfriend to call her. Emy did artwork for their albums among other things, and Tegan had more authority over those things than Sara who had less interest in them. But as soon as Tegan read the text she knew it hadn't been meant for her. She looked to see who it was sent to and found that it was addressed to everyone in Emy's contact list. The idiot had accidently hit the 'reply to all' button.

She had to get to Sara.

_

* * *

_

_I think we should break __up_, the six most life-changing words Sara Quin had heard since 'Neil signed you to his label.'

How could Emy break up with her? And so suddenly. Maybe they weren't the perfect couple, but they were making it work. Their only problem was that they occasionally fought, but didn't all couples? Their most recent fight had been pretty bad. Sara had wanted Emy to come on tour with them again, but Emy had wanted to stay in Montreal because she had a job of her own to do. Ultimately the latter is what had ended up happening. But that fight shouldn't have been big enough to cause Emy to break up with her, especially since Emy had gotten her way. Why would she do this?

A tear rolled down Sara's cheek as she realized that the woman she loved and the last two years of her life had all been thrown away, just like that.

She laid back down on the bed and closed her eyes. _'This must be a dream,'_ she thought. '_This has to be a dream.'_ But as nothing happened, she soon realized that it wasn't.

She sat up in a fit of rage and threw her phone aross the room. It hit the floral print-covered wallpaper of the wall, shattering it into a million fractured pieces of plastic and microchips.

Her anger had disappeared as fast as it had emerged, and she went back to crying.

Tegan heard the thud that resulted from Sara's phone smashing full force into the wall from her place outside Sara's room. The sound startled her for a moment then quickly caused her to bang on the door and yell at Sara to open it and let her in.

Sara chose to ignore her older sister's urgent pleas for access to her room. The last thing she needed to deal with now was some trivial problem of Tegan's.

After a solid minute of knocking with no response. Tegan was forced to unlock the door to her own room and enter Sara's room through there. Good thing they had gotten conjoined rooms.

Tegan wasted no time in giving into her sisterly instincts, sitting down on the bed next to Sara and wrapping her arms around the younger twin just as Sara had done to her so many times before. Sara's always been the stronger of the two and for her to be this upset the situation had to be bad. So Tegan's only option was to return the comfort Sara had given her.

Despite having wished Tegan would disappear a few moments ago, she was thankful that her sister was here now, and the only reason she was here to comfort her. She welcomed the feeling of those strong, inked arms around her slim shoulders bringing with them a sense of security and the ever so important words 'it's going to be okay.'

Normally she'd never allow herself to cry when there was anyone else around, even if it was just her sister. She liked to live up to expactations as the stronger twin, and that meant showing very little weakness. But most of the time when she was forced to hold back her emotions she was only upset about little things. Usually it was just that someone had offended or upset her. Sometimes the problem was a breakup, but she never cared too much about the girl whom with she had broken up. But this time was different, it was Emy, the woman she was practically married to. She couldn't keep her emotions withstrained this time. This wasn't something she could get over easily. It would take time for her to recover. Then it finally dawned on her that she was in no condition to play a show tonight.

Amidst the tears she managed to inform Tegan of this. "I don't think I can go onstage tonight."

Tegan tightened her hold on her sister. "I beg you to reconsider that, but we'll cancel if we have to."

They hadn't canceled a show in years, and Sara really didn't want to do it again now. Could she really bring herself to dissapoint the fans like that? No.

"I don't want to cancel the show."

"It's not a question of whether you want to; it's a question of whether you need to."

At least Tegan cared about her sanity. Most other people wouldn't have gave a second thought about her ability to play tonight's show.

"I don't know if I can," she admitted. "But I'll try."

She could tough it out. Maybe it would be easier to forget about Emy while at center stage completely focused on the fans and the music. Of course, it didn't help that most of her songs were about Emy, and it was likely that she wouldn't be able to stop thinking of her while singing them, but she could get through it as long as Tegan did most of the talking and no one mentioned Emy for the rest of the night. If worse came to worse, she'd have a small break down on stage, shed a few tears, have every girl in the audience feeling sorry for her, and get more gifts and phone numbers than usual out of pity.

Fortunately, it hadn't been too hard for Sara to avoid having an emotional breakdown on stage that night. The crowd had been one of the best in a while, and she and Tegan both had a good time joking around with them.

She even felt good enough to go to the after party at a club just down the street from their hotel. She hardly ever came to these places with Tegan and the guys because she didn't feel like she belonged to the whole party scene, but tonight with her only other option being going back to the hotel and crying herself to sleep it sounded like a good plan.

When going to these places on the occasional whim, Sara liked to stay sober, but tonight she had a couple of beers. It wasn't like she was drunk, just a little tipsy.

Maybe it was just because of the alcohol, but she had to admit that going out like this was pretty fun. It took her mind off of Emy, and she even got a few laughs out of watching Tegan hit on girls and then get rejected because of the language barrier.

After a little over an hour and a half of being at the club it occurred to Sara that she wasn't willing to stay here as long as her sister and the guys wanted to. She was getting a little tired despite her nap from earlier, and she didnd't want to get to bed too late considering she wanted to spend the next day sight-seeing.

She figured it would be rude to just leave, and she didn't want Tegan to freak out when she noticed her absence, so before leaving she wanted to find her sister and inform her that she was going back to the hotel.

The two met up in, of all places, the ladies' room, which Sara had actually been thankful for. They could have a conversation in here without having to scream at each other.

Tegan was surprised to exit one of the bathroom stalls and see her twin standing there. The last time she had seen Sara she had been sitting at the bar all alone. She was shocked to see that no one was hitting on her. The two of them usually get hit on the second they walk into a lesbian bar whether they were in a foreign country or not, and why tonight was any exception for Sara she didn't know. Sara looked good as always in her signature black and white striped shirt and black skinny pants. Of course looks weren't the only thing that mattered. Tegan knew she looked good herself. She had received a few flirty looks and longing glances, but when she went to approach the girls she was unable to keep their interest because they couldn't understand a single word she had been saying. (Why do hot French girls have to speak French?) But Sara wasn't even getting any looks. Maybe she was giving off the 'I've just been dumped by my girlfriend of two years, and I shouldn't really be here right now because I'm not ready to move on yet' look. Girls seem to have a sixth sense for reading that look.

She had wanted to go over and talk to Sara to try and cheer her up just in case she was thinking about Emy, but her bladder had been yelling at her to go to the bathroom for quite a while now, and she finally gave in to it, thinking Sara would be right where Tegan left her when she finished. Finding Sara in the bathroom had only saved her a trip across the dancefloor.

"Sara! Whatever you do, do not use the bathroom. Hold it until we get back to the hotel. They have bidets! It's creepy. There's no toilet paper. I'll never get used to the French and their obsession with bidets. Thank God the hotel has normal toilets."

"Speaking of hotels," Sara started completely uninterested in her sister's rambling. "I'm going back there now."

"I'll come with you." Tegan hadn't been planning to leave just yet, but leaving with Sara would be better than leaving with Ted, Shaun, or Johnny, who were all shit faced. Tegan had drank a little, but she knew better than to drink herself sick the night before a show. She'd rather not babysit any of the guys for the rest of the night. It's never fun being the only sober one.

They informed the guys they were leaving, and none of them seemed to mind giving them uninteligible, drunken replies.

"Do you think they'll make it back?" Sara asked as they stepped outside of the club.

"I hope so. We don't have any replacements for them."

The two laughed and quickly made their way back to the hotel.

Sara was tempted to shower. She hated how hot and sweaty she got on stage, and the fact that they had gone to an equally as hot club afterwards didn't help. Her OCD was telling her she needed to get cleaned, but she was exhausted. She'd much rather sleep now then shower in the morning.

She changed into her version of pajamas which consisted of boxers and a loose-fitting T-shirt. Remembering she left her wallet in her back jean pocket she fished her pants back out of her suitcase and reclaimed the wallet knowing that if she didn't she would forget where her wallet was in the morning and have a panic attack while searching unsuccessfully for it.

She flipped open the fat, leather pouch to find everything the same as it had always been, the perfect contrast to her life right now. Her credit cards were hidden behind her money, and hidden behind her credit cards were her pictures.

Pictures.

She couldn't stop herself from pulling out the few wallet-sized photos she had. There was one of her and Tegan when they were younger, one of their mom, a more recent photo of her and Tegan, and one of her and Emy kissing and smiling at the same time. Tears quickly fell from her eyes spilling onto the photograph and staining it. Sobs soon accompanied them.

Tegan didn't have to strain herself to hear her sister's cries. The walls between them were paper-thin. Knowing this wouldn't be the last time she'd have to comfort Sara she quietly knocked on the wooden door between them to alert Sara she was coming in.

Once again Tegan's arms found their way around her twin. As Sara cried into her shoulder, Tegan whispered, "Shh. It's alright. It'll be okay." She did this and patted Sara's back until the tears and the sobbing subsidded.

It wasn't until Sara pulled away that Tegan saw she had a photo clasped in her fist. She took it out of her sister's hand. It was a photograph of her and Emy, probably at what most would've considered the height of their relationship.

"What do you want me to do with this? Rip it? Burn it? Bury it?"

"No!" Sara said urgently, taking the photo back. "I want to keep it. At least for a little while."

"Aliright." Tegan personally liked to burn most reminders of her exes, but if they had been really special to her, she usually kept a little something to remember them by. She understood why Sara didn't want to get rid of the picture. Her relationship with Emy was far more serious than any relationship Tegan had ever been in.

Sara adjusted herself into a more comfortable position with her back agaisnt the bed's headboard. She looked at the photograph of her and Emy once more before placing it facedown on the nightstand.

"Do you need me to stay with you tonight?"

"No," Sara lied, knowing she couldn't make it through the night alone.

Sara never was a good liar. She couldn't fool anyone, let alone her identical twin sister. "Yes you do. I'm sleeping in here with you tonight."

"Thanks," Sara said finally letting down the last wall of her tough girl facade.

Tegan pulled back the covers, climbed under htem, and then patted the space next to her motioning for Sara to do the same. Sara got up and turned off the lights before crawling under the covers next to Tegan her back facing her sister. Tegan wrapped an arm around Sara's waist and whispered in her ear, "Good night, Sasa."

"Good night, Teetee."

Sara was positive she wouldn't be able to sleep tonight, but Tegan snaking an arm around her waist reminded her of sleeping with Emy who always did the exact same thing. All she had to do was convince herself that Tegan was Emy, and she was out like a light.


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I'm terrible, I know. You should stab me. Not really, that's not very nice, but you might want to by the end of this chapter.**

Chapter 2

Naturally an early riser, Sara was the first to wake up. She smiled at the ray of sunlight filtering through the window, warming her cheeks and at the arms of her beloved wrapped around her. She turned over to wake her lover. She nuzzled her face against the neck of the woman next to her. "Em-" She stopped when she looked up and saw that she wasn't sleeping next to her girlfriend, but her sister. Yesterday's events flooded her mind.

She quickly moved away from Tegan's sleeping body, slightly creeped out by the closeness and how close she had just come to kissing her sister.

She got out of bed slowly to avoid rousing her twin from her much needed few hours of sleep.

Just as she promised herself the night before, she took a shower. She had made the water scalding hot, but she didn't mind. She welcomed the pain. It made her feel awake, alive, and she craved more of it. She debated doing something she hadn't done since her teen years. Slowly she picked up her razor and began to slide the thin, metal blade out of its socket. She tested its weight in the palm of her hand while weighing her options in her

mind. Be miserable, or get release. Not much of a choice, huh?

Cautiously, she brought the blade down on her wrist. She put a small amount of pressure on it causing the tip of the blade to make a dent in her soft, pale flesh. It took a minute for the small bubbles of blood to break through the skin. The cut had been shallow. Always the one with a weak stomach, Sara found herself woozy at the sight of even this small line of blood. She quickly went about putting her arm under the shower head and cleaning it off. She ignored how the steaming hot water made the wound throb. Then she acted as if nothing had happened and continued on with the rest of her shower.

Tegan awoke in a panic when she realized that Sara was no longer in bed with her. It took her a few seconds to register the sound of running water coming from the bathroom. She let out a sigh of relief as she realized that Sara had gotten up before her and had already gotten in the shower.

She got out of bed, stretched, yawned, and went back to her own room. She quickly got dressed and brushed her hair. Noticing the clock for the first time, she discovered that the freee continental breakfast would be ending in twenty minutes. The guys were sure to be downstairs eating already.

This was good. Sara was in the shower, and she knew exactly where the guys were. Now she'd be able to talk to them without Sara overhearing.

Sure enough, she found all three of them sitting at a table eating waffles. She took the fourth and last seat at the table before she got her own food. It was urgent that she talk to them.

No one even got a chance to say 'hi' to her before she announced, "Emy broke up with Sara."

"What!" The guys all exclaimed in unison, mouths full.

"Yeah. Sara's still really upset, so don't mention anything about her when Sara gets here."

"Why did she break up with her?" Shaun asked.

"I don't know. She just sent her a text that said she wanted to break up."

"A text? That's harsh."

Out of the corner of her eye, Tegan saw a figure that looked much like herself step out of the elevator.

"Here she comes. Act natural."

The guys went back to eating and to their previous conversation which seemed to be something about last night.

Finding their table full, Sara grabbed a chair from an empty table and placed it next to

Tegan. Still feeling depressed, she laid her head on Tegan's shoulder.

"You're not going to get anything to eat?" Tegan asked her.

"Not hungry," came the bland reply.

"Well I am."

Tegan got up leaving Sara's head unsupported. Instead she laid her head down on the table. The cool, metallic surface was no replacement for Tegan's warm flesh. Tegan returned a few minutes later carrying a plate of toast in one had, and two miniature, plastic cups in the other. One was filled with orange juice for herself; the other with coffee for Sara. Sara gladly accepted the translucent container and sipped eagerly through the thin red straw, hoping the caffeine would cheer her up.

Tegan had gotten two pieces of toast. With the bread so stale and the butter so fake, she had no intention of eating both pieces. She had made an extra one for Sara hoping her appetite might rear its head.

Sara was fully aware that one of the pieces of toast was for her. She really wasn't hungry, but she knew Tegan would be pleased with her if she at last tried to eat. She picked up the slice of toast, and her stomach churned. It was slightly burnt and the smell of the butter was making her slightly nauseous. She looked at Tegan who's face had instantly lit up when Sara reached for the food. Sara took a bite, and was barely able to keep it down. There was no way she could eat the whole thing. Luckily, it was only one minute away from 10:00 am which was when the hotel stopped serving breakfast. Knowing this was the only way out of here, she pointed it out to everyone else. "Hey. We better go. It's almost ten."

They threw their trash away, (including the almost whole slice of toast) refilled on coffee and juice, and headed back up to their rooms. The boys to get ready to do whatever it was they were planning to do, the girls to grab their camera and get ready to follow through with their plans to explore the city.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for the gigantic gap between updates. I'm just not as inspired to write this fic as I was, and I've moved on to other projects. But I do plan to continue it, so no worries.**

**As Long As I Have You**

**Chapter 3**

Their first stop, the Louvre. It was still packed despite it being only 10:30 in the morning. There really is no best time to enjoy fine art. There was so much breathtaking art there that Sara had trouble taking it all in. After dating an artist for nearly five years and drawing and painting herself in secret, she had undoubtedly picked up a few things, and she considered herself to be relatively educated about art, but she had never in all her life imagined something so grand existing. A building that housed so many original masterpieces shouldn't exist. These were the works of the world's best painters of all time, collected together. There was so much emotion in the room from dead artists and on-lookers alike. It was too overwhelming for one measly person such as Sara. She was so moved! She wondered if everyone else in the room was having as religious of an experience as she was. She felt tears sting the corners of her eyes.

Tegan, not nearly as impressed with the art as her sister (but still somewhat into it. She was an artist of sorts in her own way.), took the tears in the wrong way. The first thing that ran through her mind was that all the art was reminding her of Emy. Tegan wrapped an arm around her smaller doppelganger, determined to cheer her up and get her mind off of her ex.

"Tegan, what the fuck are you doing?" The sudden display of affection more than startled Sara.

"You're crying," she stated, "don't."

She almost told Tegan that she wasn't crying because she was sad, but when things were going wrong, Tegan liked to give in to her big sisterly instincts and become protective. There was no reason to burst Tegan's bubble when she was so pleased with herself and only trying to help.

Most of the day went like this. Tegan obsessively tried to cheer Sara up and keep her mind off Emy in any way possible. Sara let Tegan do whatever it was she thought she needed to do. To Sara Tegan wasn't so much trying to keep her sane, but herself, and this might've been exactly what Tegan was doing. Subconsciously, of course, she wasn't aware of it. Their mother's gift of being able to understand how the human mind works was never really transferred to either of them.

They spent the day exploring the city, seeing the sights. They visited the Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triumph, and a couple of cafes to reload on croissants and coffee. Tegan especially enjoyed the buttery treats. They were a little too buttery for Sara, but it's not like she was hungry anyways.

It had been a long day for Sara, and there was no doubt that it would be a long week, and possibly a long month. Tegan's trying too hard exhausted the already exhausted Sara, and Sara knew Tegan wouldn't' stop trying, not for anything. Sara just hoped that Tegan would give her some space on stage tonight. There was no way she could get through the show with Tegan practically breathing down her neck and checking on her after every song like she was a five year old left alone in a room decorated with many fragile vases and lamps.

But Tegan knew better than to completely suffocate her sister. She was probably more upset than Sara. But she wouldn't let herself sit around and do nothing. She was the only support Sara had right now and she wanted her to know she was there.

After the show, Tegan suggested that they go straight back to the hotel. No celebratory drinks were necessary, and both of them were tired form their long day. Sara especially wanted to do nothing more than crash on the cheap hotel mattress and fall asleep. They had to get up early in the morning to board the bus. This was the only thing stopping her from falling asleep immediately upon stepping into the room. She wouldn't have time to shower in the morning, and if she didn't do it now there was no knowing when her next opportunity would be.

As good as the water felt and as good of a cleansing of body, spirit, and mind a shower was, Sara couldn't help but feel completely defeated. Showering forced her to strip off her clothes and without that protective second layer of skin, Sara couldn't' avoid seeing those raw, red, scabbing lines on the inside of her wrist she'd created the night before. She was once again reminded of why the cuts were made in the first place: Emy.

She could almost forget about Emy, block out everything in the real world as she so often did and live entirely in her own fantasy dreamland, but the wounds were still too fresh, not yet healed enough to be added to her collection of emotional scars. She let herself cry, the first tears over Emy today. Normally she would be strong, hold back the tears, but it seemed useless now. It was easier to let it all out. She didn't have to be strong. There was no audience she had to keep a façade up for, and by audience she meant Tegan.

She made the shower as short as possible in an attempt to end her own misery and get to sleep faster. She assumed that she would immediately fall onto the bed and immerse herself in the land of dreams, so she didn't spend much time cleaning herself up. Her eyes were red and swollen, but her solution to this was not to look at herself in the mirror for too long. Her hair was damp and tangled, but she didn't brush it because she would have to when she got out of bed the next morning anyways. The only things she took the time to do was dry herself off and brush her teeth. She almost didn't even bother to thrown on underwear and a T-Shirt. Accurately described as a hot mess, Sara wondered out of the bathroom. She hadn't expected Tegan to be sitting in boy shorts and a wife beater on her bed. Sara immediately regretted not fixing herself up. She was not very aware of her stinging eyes, and could think of nothing else except Tegan noticing she was had been crying. She wanted to spin around and retreat back into the bathroom, but Tegan noticed her before she got the chance to.

"Hey," she called.

Sara smiled and straightened her bangs, flattening them over her eyes as far as they would go with her palms. Despite the aid of her shield of hair, Sara still felt the need to hide her eyes otherwise. She kept her gaze downward, staring at the floor and avoiding looking Tegan in the eye.

Tegan could see right through her sister. She hadn't been waiting here long, but she had been here long enough to hear Sara sobbing in the shower. She turned a blind eye to it and let Sara keep her dignity. She pretended to be interested in the novel opened up on her lap. It was Sara's, but she had picked it up off of the bedside table out of boredom while she waited, separating it from the hotel knickknacks of the table: a television channel list, the remote to accompany it, a bible, a pen and pad of paper, and an ancient telephone connected to the wall by a dirty, spiraled, pale yellow cord.

"I thought I'd sleep in here again. In case you needed me."

Sara fought the instinct to enter a heated conversation with Tegan about autonomy and independence. A childish 'I don't need you' was the first thought on her mind, but only because arguing was the easiest thing for her to do when she felt insecure or cornered. She didn't verbalize her distaste, as her and Tegan's fighting days were a thing of the past. They were adults now and they could settle their differences like them. There was also the fact that Tegan wasn't stating that Sara would need her. She wasn't calling her defenseless. She was merely offering her support. Sara appreciated this vagueness even though she knew that she probably would need to be comforted by Tegan again at some point.

Sara neatly folded her worn clothes and placed them in the half of her suitcase marked with the label "laundry". She worked slowly, and this gave her a moment to collect herself and an opportunity to turn her back to Tegan.

Tegan took note of Sara's sluggish moving pace and defeated stance as she rose from her crouched position above her suitcase. "Is everything okay?" she asked simply, as if only inquiring if Sara needed help with her luggage.

"I'm fine," Sara lied. "Just really tired."

"Alright." Tegan accepted the answer, but knew there was more to it than that.

The elder twin set _Flowers in the Attic _back down, turned off the lamp, and scooted over, emptying the right side of the bed for Sara who crawled in without protest, thankful that Tegan could no longer see her in the darkness washed over the room. They faced the same way, Tegan's face inches from Sara's back. She moved closer to her smaller twin and gently embraced her. It wasn't as deep a hold they'd slept in the previous night, but she had a grip on Sara, and that was enough for the both of them. Tegan's arms nudged Sara towards sleep. Sara closed her eyes and had no trouble finding drowsiness. There's something about crying; it exhausts you and makes your eyelids heavy, all the more easier to shut. Finally calm from the racing thoughts, Sara drifted off in no more than forty-five seconds.

But Tegan wasn't able to find sleep as easily. Sara's burden was on her shoulders now too. She wanted nothing more than to make everything right, but Sara had to open up to her first. This was a nearly impossible task. Sara was so introverted, a hermit with a shell harder than a sea-turtle's. She never let anyone in, and that was the problem in the first place. Emy had probably tired of Sara's apathetic attitude. No one could stick around for long. Except Tegan. Tegan vowed to always be there. No matter how disconnected or cruel Sara became, she would stay by her sister's side, but that was easier said than done when Sara would only let Tegan get this close to her while she was asleep.

She reached for Sara's hand and hoped that Sara's subconscious could register what was happening. She intertwined their fingers, amazed at the similarities. Their palms were the same size, their fingers the same length, and every dip and curve between them had the same depth. She lifted her sister's hand carefully, trying to bring it closer so she could get a better look in the lack of light, but not wake Sara up either. In the process Sara's sleeve bunched up and fell down her forearm, gravity making the thin material unable to support its own weight. Tegan thought nothing of the exposed skin until she saw a blemish, a dark patch that didn't belong on Sara's pale skin. She squinted and brought Sara's wrist closer to her. The shape came into focus and she realized that it wasn't a single patch at all. It was a cluster of lines, scabs from cuts too straight and with too much precision to be accidental. Tegan let out a light gasp as the realization hit her. Sara was cutting again. She released her twin's hand, but cupped her body more thoroughly with her own. She wanted to cry right along with Sara.


	4. Chapter 4

**As Long as I Have You**

**Chapter 4**

Hotels were comfy and all, but Tegan was happy to be back on the bus. Her bunk was her own and while she was far from home, sleeping on the same familiar sheets every night provided some form of comfort. She could bury her noise into her pillow and pick up the scent of her own skin coupled with a slight hint of fabric softener and lavender laundry detergent. The embrace of the dark green sheets wrapped her in a tranquil hug. She could spend hours alone in her bunk reading, and she could almost forget that she wasn't alone at home but in a claustrophobically small cot on a bus with an entire band of people.

The only thing that could pull her out of this bliss was her own humanity. The human mind, the complex arrangement of cells and nerves it was, was not meant to stay focused on one thing for long. While the scenarios inside the pages of a book could be flipped over and reinterpreted in one's mind numerous times, no matter how interesting it was to a person, their brain would eventually become bored. Or perhaps, simply exhausted. The brain could stress over a topic for countless hours without ever coming to a reasonable conclusion. By nature the brain and person behind it were both prideful beings. Unwilling to admit defeat, the subject would be switched, backed up by the excuse of never-ending curiosity. How could something so constantly developing be expected to settle down and fret over a single subject? Somehow, Tegan's eyes always left the pages and her thoughts would roam back to its constants. She thought of her life, the past, present and future; her parents, both mom and dad and what they were doing at the moment; her friends, the ones back home that she missed dearly; her tour mates, Shaun, Johnny and Ted; and (back to more basic instincts) what she would eat for breakfast in the morning, probably the same fast food crap they always ate. Though whichever route her brain waves traveled, they always drifted toward a single thing, or rather, person, as if inflicted by a sick case of drommomania with a cure, or destination, at the end of the trail.

Sara had always been on her mind and always would be. They were twins, business partners, best friends - everything. But lately, she had been thinking about Sara even more.

Perhaps they did have some kind of twin telepathy. All the pain Sara was feeling from this break up was being projected on to Tegan. The memory of what had happened could strike her at any time. Her stomach would lurch, and her heart would ache. The fact that her best friend had betrayed her sister was almost as severe a blow to her as the break up was to Sara. These wounds were still fresh. Tegan would need a lot more time to adjust to the fact that Emy's bright, smiling face would never be seen on tour with them again. They'd have to find a new art designer that could easily work with them and understand their mind sets. Tegan thought this to be impossible, but they'd still have to make an attempt to try. And who would they mess around with now? Fun times and pranking ensued whenever Emy was with them. They could do it to the guys, but after a short while they would be annoyed. They didn't want to piss off the people they had to live with, and Emy was the only temporary resident of their tour bus willing to put up with them. Of course Sara wouldn't be in the mood for practical jokes again for a long while.

Tegan just hadn't expected Emy to leave Sara or for everything to change so suddenly, and definitely not over a text message. One minute they were a happy couple, and the next Sara was a weeping puddle in her arms. Tegan was torn-up. And she knew Sara had to be much worse off.

Tegan pulled back her bunk curtain. It was late, and everyone else appeared to be sleeping in their own bunks. The bus was quiet. But somehow she knew that Sara was still awake. Call it a twin instinct, or maybe she just knew that her sister often stayed up later than everyone else, reading, restless or thinking. Tegan stood still and quiet her lungs for a moment. No small noises reached Tegan's ears even in the complete silence. Still, she wasn't convinced that Sara was asleep. Sara was an expert of invisibility and a master of silence. Tegan swung her legs over the edge of the bed. She edged herself out of her tight quarters and stepped into the hallway. Bare feet came in contact with a cool breeze floating across the tan carpet like a mist. The hair on her arms stood up as her skin covered itself in a layer of goose pimples. Slowly, she approached Sara's bunk so as not to wake up the rest of the band. She lightly scratched at the red fabric curtain at the entrance. It was the closest thing they had to knocking. Lightly, she whispered, "Sara? You awake?"

No reply came, but that didn't stop Tegan from pulling back the curtain separating them. Sara was curled into a protective ball, and she appeared to be only under the sheets for warmth. She didn't move, not even when Tegan's presence intruded on her privacy, but the position she was in was too unnatural for someone to fall asleep in. Tegan was now confident that Sara was awake, so she didn't fear unsettling Sara as she climbed into the bunk with her. As she scooted her body closer to her sister's, Tegan could see that her twin's eyes were still open. But as empty and glassy as they were, Sara might as well be dead. Two shiny, glistening trails born at the corner of each eye sparkled all the way down to her chin. An immense pang of guilt struck Tegan. She could've come straight to Sara's bunk when they'd decided to retire. She left Sara here alone to wallow in depression and regret when she could have offered her a shoulder to cry on, or helped completely bypass the tears in the first place. She pushed her face in her sister's shoulder blade and wrapped an arm around her. Her chilled toes curled into the blanket wrapped around Sara's legs.

Sara almost wished that she could just die, fall off the face of the Earth and be left alone, and she almost wanted Tegan to fuck off and leave her be. This was her problem, not Tegan's, and she had her own ways of dealing with it. But she knew that that was the anger and the depression and the old Sara talking. This was Tegan's way of helping, and she could do nothing but respect their differences. And somewhere inside of Sara, she thought it felt nice to be thought about. At least someone cared for her. If she wasn't careful, she might even push Tegan, the only constant in her life, away from her just as she'd done with Emy. She had the option of staying still and silent, but it was her last thought that caused her to rouse. Tegan would stay if she felt validated.

Tegan felt rather than saw the mass of flesh next to her uncurl, turn and flip. She looked down to her see her smaller half face her and fall into her embrace. Sara's tears dried up a little, and Tegan felt guiltier than ever. The power she had over her sister was greater than she expected. With just her presence she'd seemed to have cheered Sara up a bit. To make up for lost time, Tegan stroked the sticky splotches that were Sara's cheeks with her thumb, drying up the residue of the tears. It took all of her being not to cry, too.

"I'm sorry."

Sara sniffled. She almost reassured Tegan and told her that it wasn't her fault, but she shied away from the idea. Her voice would crack and come out high pitched because of the cry8inig. She would be embarrassed and Tegan would be further reminded of her sister's sadness. Sara decided to give her an awkward little hug instead.

Tegan smiled a bit, but scolded herself as well. She was here to help Sara, and yet her sister was comforting her.

Regaining her big sister mindset, Tegan whispered in Sara's ear, "Let's just go to sleep." It was late. They both needed rest and the escape. Tegan's head rested heavily on Sara's pillow and her eyelids fluttered shut.

Sara observed the dip and curl of her sister's dark eyelashes. It had seemed like an eternity since they'd been this close to each other, face to face. She couldn't help taking in every detail she could without the presence of sufficient light. And she couldn't help but wonder if all of those details were the same on her. She doubted it. They were twins and their genetic makeup was the same, but they were different people. Personality affected everything. Tegan shined on the inside, and there was no doubt that this was reflected in her physical beauty. Sara was much darker. More hideous. They were so different. More than once it had crossed Sara's mind that they may not have ever give each other the time of day if they weren't related. They barely got along as was. How would they act if they were strangers with nothing in common? Sometimes she even wondered how they had gotten so close anyway, twin-ness and all.

Sara cleared her through lightly enough that it wasn't made into a big deal, but it still helped her be more assure that her voice would come out strong and confident. "Tee," she whispered, not daring to add a second syllable.

Tegan wasn't sleeping. She couldn't. Not while Sara was still awake. Escaping into dreamland while her sister was restless in reality was just as unsupportive as not being there with her at all. The only thing she hoped to accomplish by closing her eyes was relaxing Sara and coaxing her to do the same. But that wasn't working, so she opened her eyes and once again focused her full attention on her little sister.

"What's wrong?"

"Why do you care?"

Tegan scrunched her brow. "What do you mean?"

"Why do you care about me so much? No one else does."

Tegan's eyes sparked with sadness. "Don't say that."

"But it's true. Emy doesn't love me anymore. The guys haven't been acting concerned. Even Mom hasn't called me in weeks."

Tegan didn't bother to say that she'd already talked to their mother about the situation. Sonia had then called Sra, but Sara had no way of receiving the message because she'd smashed her phone into pieces. It wouldn't' have mattered if Sonia had had a chance to console her. Nothing would satisfy Sara. To her, only Emy would be able to fix her problem. She wanted to feel loved again, and she thought that Emy was the only one who could give her that love. Tegan wanted to show her that Emy wasn't the only one with love to offer, and that she could be just as good a replacement. "I care about you, Sara, because I love you."

Those were three words Sara would probably never hear again - at least not from the person she craved them from most. She'd fucked everything up. She never deserved to hear those words from anyone ever again. "I'm unlovable."

To hear Sara say such a horrible thing so genuinely hurt Tegan more than a bullet ever could. She reached down and grabbed Sara's forearm, the one sore with wounds, the physical manifestation of this self-loathing mindset Sara was in.

Pain shot up Sara's arm. If she had expected it, she would have hid the pain, but she didn't, so she winced.

"I love you, Sara. Don't you ever doubt that."

Tegan wasn't quick to release Sara's arm. She forced the newly open wounds to rub against the fabric of Sara's sweater. The wool material relentlessly scratched at Sara's skin. She could feel the thin scabs peel off. She could feel the blood bubble up again, escaping from the wounds like prisoners from their cells during a riot. She watned nothing more than out of Tegan's hold. Every second longer that Tegan held on, Sara felt more and more violated. But the words Tegan whispered to her were anything but offensive. "I love you." She said it softer than she had the first time. "I love you." Then she finally loosened her grip.

The point was to make Sara see that her cuts weren't comforting. They produced pain. They didn't help; they hurt. They weren't the solution. People were. Tegan was. Love and human support were the only way for her to get over this. Metal could never offer what a warm body could.

Each cut throbbed separately as the circulation in Sara's arm returned. She was on the verge of tears again, but not so much because of the pain. She wasn't sure exactly why she was so emotional. Part of it was Emy and most of it was Tegan. Tegan was the only one to know about her most private secret. It hurt to feel exposed. But it felt nice for someone to finally know. She was like a serial killer. On the surface her goal was to never be caught. On the inside she wanted nothing more than to be punished for her crimes.

Or was she more like a puppy taken away from its abusive owner, finally safe but not really being able to comprehend the word or its meaning having never experienced safety before. Tegan was the kind volunteer at the animal rescue center willing to feed her and rid her of her fleas. But Sara would still flinch everything Tegan reached down to pet her, expecting much more force behind the hand. She would be tempted to bite back, fight as previously fought, but that would only get her euthanized in the end. That's not what she wanted.

Scared, feeling completely out of control and not at all herself, Sara leaned in and placed the lightest of kisses on Tegan's similar lips. She held them there for but a second. It was a thank you kiss, a sister thing, a promise of trust, but Sara grabbed on to Tegan, closed her eyes, and held on for dear life.


	5. Chapter 5

For whatever taboo reason, they'd spent years of their life refraining from touching, but after spending numerous consecutive nights wrapped in each other's arms, placing light kisses on the other's lips when Sara woke up from nightmares or bad thoughts, physical contact seemed normal, natural. What was the bother of a simple brushing of arms or hand placed on a knee when it did no harm? Their skin never burst into flame, broke out in pox, or even melded together. Touching was nothing but a way of acknowledging one's presence, and when the presence of that person was a comfort, it became beneficial.

When once she would tense and flinch, Sara now responded with a smile as Tegan's body came in contact with hers. Noticing the dramatic change of reaction in her sister, Tegan took full advantage of this. She relished in the fact that she could make Sara happy at any point in time with a simple little tap on the shoulder. She was the big sister, the rock and the support.

And constant support was what she gave for a solid month. Every day Sara seemed to get a little better. There wasn't a dramatic change. Sara still hurt a lot, but Tegan didn't expect her sister's pain to disintegrate so quickly or easily. Helping Sara get over Emy, or at least over her to the point where she wasn't depressed every moment of every day, would take Tegan a while. But she was willing to help.

They continued touring and playing shows nearly every night. Tegan was afraid that they might have to cancel a few due to Sara, but fortunately that didn't happen. The European fans were great and so thankful to see them. Tegan knew that the stage and the crowds were helping to cheer Sara up, too. At least Sara could depend on her sister, her fans, and her music.

A month passed and things were a bit better. It was near the twins' birthday. Tegan was more excited than Sara, but that was true of every birthday. Sara wasn't fond of big celebrations, but this year she really wasn't fond of the idea. She knew that all of their family and friends would come see them in whatever city they happened to be in and spend the day with them. Sara would have to confront them all about her breakup and they would all be sympathetic toward her. She didn't want to be treated with pity. But Tegan convinced her that she would make their birthday as fun as possible. "Scouts honor," she'd promised. Tegan had never been a Girl Scout and Sara rolled her eyes, but she trusted her twin nonetheless.

Tegan took the liberty of planning all the details. This stressed Sara out as much as having to plan would have, but, again, Tegan calmed her sister down as well as she could. Sara needed to relax and let Tegan do all the work for her for once. But it wasn't easy for Sara to do that. She was independent and a leader, she always took control and had a hard time letting anyone do anything to her. But Tegan wasn't anyone. Tegan was her sister, her best friend, and the woman who had been taking care of her for the past month. She was already letting Tegan do things for her. What would one more thing hurt? She'd be able to do things for herself - and repay Tegan - soon enough.

Despite Sara's "if you want something done right, do it yourself" mentality, Tegan actually did a good job with planning. Things might not have been quite to Sara's standards or expectations, but Tegan encountered only one issue in the preparation; They were in Germany. Their family - their poor family - was in Canada. International flight was always an expensive hassle, and Tegan decided it wasn't worth it. The tour was almost over. They'd be back home in less than a month. Instead of bringing her family to Europe, she contacted all her relatives and set up a belated birthday party in Calgary at their mother's house in October.

Sara was relieved when she heard the news. It meant she had another month before she would be forced to face her fears. For now, she could let her shoulders relax.

When the party plans got changed, Tegan promised Sara that their birthday would be just another boring day like Sara wanted. Of course, when the day arrived, Sara woke to a string of happy-birthdays from their band mates, a gift-wrapped box from Tegan that contained a set of comic books, and a cake from the venue they were playing in Berlin. All of these things were expected and unavoidable, but Sara was glad she didn't have the hassle of humoring any of her friends and family.

Then someone showed up who wasn't supposed to, and it was the last person Sara wanted to see.

Emy.

Carrying a red box with a shiny red ribbon like she'd bought Sara a birthday present and that was an acceptable thing for her to do, Emy waltzed onto the bus, tentatively closing the door behind her like she didn't know if tour bus doors worked like normal doors or if maybe this particular tour bus was made of radioactive material.

Sara felt radioactive.

As soon as she saw that face, that face that looked so much like the one that belonged to her ex-girlfriend, she broke into sweat, felt the nausea sweeping her body and was pretty convinced she had just been bombed while standing in the middle of Hiroshima. Her knees buckled and she wondered if there was a razor somewhere in their closet of a bathroom, wondered if she could even grip it through the layer of sweat against her skin. Could she even make it that far? No, she couldn't walk. Instead, she chose her only escape route, passing out and destroying her emotional presence, if she couldn't hide her physical one.

When she woke up, Tegan was above her just like she always was when she woke in the middle of the night. Sara couldn't wait to kiss her, tell her she'd had an awful dream about Emy, and let Tegan comfort her. But she quickly realized she wasn't in her bunk and it wasn't dark. Her eyes didn't need to adjust to see light pooling from the windows behind Tegan's head, and they also didn't need time to recognize the face beside Tegan's hovering over her. It wasn't a dream. Emy was still there.

"You passed out, Sasa," Tegan told her. "You're lucky you fell onto the couch or you could've hit your head."

Sara wished she had hit her head, fractured her skull and slipped into a coma so she'd be unconscious in a hospital right now instead of awake.

"Why is she here?" Sara forced out. Her head was bent back in an odd angle and it placed a restriction on her lungs, but she had to ask. She had to know if Emy was really there or if she was hallucinating, and if that really was her ex in the flesh, she needed to know why the sudden intrusion had happened. She couldn't bring herself to ask Emy directly though. She told herself it was under the pretense that Emy might not be real, that she still might be in a nightmare, but mostly it was because Sara didn't know how to face her.

"Sara . . .," Tegan hesitated, no doubt knowing what Sara was thinking; that Tegan was supposed to be her protector, was supposed to have kicked Emy off the bus by now and guarded the door herself if she had to to keep Emy from coming back on. Yet Emy was here and Sara was not okay, and she thought she might have an asthma attack or pass out again. "She has a good reason to be here, Sara."

Had Tegan been on Emy's side the whole time, whispered comforting lies to Sara in the middle of the night about how Emy didn't deserve her and was an asshole for hurting such her sensitive, lovable twin? How could the same woman who had protected Sara be the same person who was trying to force her to face her nightmares in reality?

Sara repositioned her head, cleared her throat once to test her vocal chords. She couldn't fight both of them laying down so she sat up, sinking into the cushion of the couch, but not allowing her back to rest against the fabric of the couch. She wanted to clutch her head, maybe lay down and take a nap, but then she looked up to Emy and Tegan again and knew she couldn't do that until someone, whether it was her or Emy, left the bus.

"She doesn't have reason to be here," Sara argued. "I don't want her present," she said, remembering the box Emy was holding that could have been for no other occasion but her birthday. "She broke up with me."

The last line was spat bitterly instead of vulnerably. She wasn't discussing the end of her love life with Tegan while crying on a hotel bed anymore. Her goal this time in the conversation was to make Emy feel guilty enough to care or mad enough to get out of her life for good.

Instead of huffing or sobbing, Emy shook her head fervently. "No, I didn't break up with you."

Sara specifically remembers a text, a text from Emy that very clearly read "I think we should break up." That one sentence would be burned into her brain for the rest of her life, the font of the text memorized, and how they ruined her world never forgotten. She'd read that text a million times in those moments after she received it, searching for some word she'd misread, waiting for another text to pop up saying "Just kidding." But neither of those things ever happened. Instead, reading it only vilified the end of her relationship to the woman she loved, and Sara had smashed her phone to a million pieces so that she would never have to open the screen and read those words again. Emy had definitely broken up with her, broken her.

Tegan saw the confusion on her twins face and nodded as if the action would wipe away all the wonder in Sara's thoughts. "She's right, Sara. She didn't break up with you. We figured it all out while you were passed out. Emy didn't even know you'd thought she'd broken up with you. She thought you were dead or hurt or something bad had happened because you weren't returning her calls or her texts. She looked up our tour schedule and decided to talk to you in person and find out what happened."

"'What happened'?" Sara quoted. "What happened is that you broke my heart, and you didn't even do it nicely! You sent me a fucking text! Six fucking words, Emy! That's what happened!"

Emy shook her head more fervently, and her hair blurred her face in a wave of brown and gray. "No, I didn't!" she claimed desperately. "Sara, that text wasn't meant for you. I accidentally sent it to you. It was supposed to go to someone else."

Someone else, Sara thought. Emy was breaking up with someone else. The realization slowly dawned on her, and the surprise hindered her ability to yell any longer. "You were cheating on me?"

Emy nodded guilty, tilted her head down in shame. "Yes. I'm sorry. I was seeing another girl behind your back."

This was worse than the breakup for Sara. If Emy had left her for another woman, it would be one thing, but instead Emy had lied to Sara and abused her trust and had probably come home and fucked her at some point after screwing around with some other chick during the day. This was betrayal on a whole different level.

"But I realized," Emy continued, "That I didn't want to cheat anymore. I wanted to be with you, make a life with you. That's why I was leaving her. I wanted to finally settle down. I can't take back cheating, and I'm so sorry I did, but I promise you I will never do that to you again. And I'll never break your heart again. I love you, Sara."

The next six words Emy uttered changed Sara's life again.

"I love you. Take me back."


	6. Chapter 6

Sara didn't have an answer for Emy, and she told her that. She thought Emy had fallen out of love with her, and then she discovered that throughout their relationship Emy hadn't been faithful. Now she had two issues to deal with: the breakup, which in reality had never even happened, and the cheating, which Emy swore would never happen again. Even though in technicality they were still a couple and Emy had just confessed to Sara how much she loved her and how she never wanted to be with anyone but her ever again, and even though that was Sara's dream, she couldn't accept that at face value so suddenly. Did Emy expect Sara to forgive her and instantly fall back into her arms? Sara had been depressed for months, had been spending all her time trying to forget about Emy, and she was exhausted. As much as the heartbroken part inside of her wanted to go back to Emy, forget everything that happened, and live happily ever after, her body wouldn't allow her. She was too tired to feel happiness or pain at the moment.

Tegan had taken care of things for Sara just like always. When Sara had risen from the couch and stumbled slowly to the bunk area, Tegan had convinced Emy that she needed to get a hotel for the night. Under any other circumstance, Tegan would have offered Emy a spare bunk to sleep in, but she knew the last thing her sister needed was to wake up and see Emy first thing in the morning. Sara needed space to help her decide what to do, and Tegan wasn't going to let anything interfere with that. Emy agreed without much of a fight, taking her bags and renting a room not far from the venue they were playing in a couple of nights, but she left the present she had purchased Sara for her birthday on the kitchen counter without a word. Tegan agreed to call Emy and tell her if and when Sara wanted to see her again, but she gave no guarantee that would happen, and Emy accepted the fact that she might have to fly back home without Sara and wait for the twins to return to Canada and The States to get her answer.

Of course sending Emy on her way wasn't Tegan's only task for the night. By the time Tegan got back to the bunk area, Sara had changed into her pajamas and already crawled into bed. Tegan was soon to follow her into the same bunk, not wanting to change lest Sara fall asleep in the short amount of time it took her to slip on an oversized t-shirt and boyshorts. Tegan's arm snaked around her twin's middle as she pulled the covers over each of them, tucking them both in tight. As they melded together and felt the heat of each other, it was almost like it was any other night, like Emy hadn't ever come to disrupt their quiet routine.

"I made her get a hotel," Tegan whispered against the back of Sara's neck. "She's gone, Sasa."

"Thanks," came Sara's reply after a pause that made Tegan wonder if Sara had fallen asleep already anyway.

Tegan didn't know what to say, just held Sara tighter in response.

"Do you think I should take her back, Tee?"

It felt weird for Tegan to be having this conversation when she wasn't facing Sara's face, couldn't see anything more than Sara's shoulder in the darkness of the confined space. Tegan had plenty to say on the subject, but she didn't want any of her comments hurting Sara or influencing her choice.

"That's not for me to decide, Sar. That's up to you."

Sara seemed to take that in, let the words hover in the air for a moment. "I don't know what to do."

"You'll figure it out," Tegan offered, knowing it was true but not putting any confidence behind the words.

"Should I take her back?" Sara tried again, clearly wanting a more firm suggestion from her twin.

Tegan let the skin of her cheek bunch around Sara's shoulder blade as she snuggled her face into her twin and closed her eyes. She couldn't see anyway. Maybe the right thing to say would be tattooed on the inside of her eyelids. "Is that what you want?"

"Yeah," Sara said truthfully. "It was, anyway. That was all I wanted. It was like it was out of a dream; her walking into the bus like that and asking for me to forgive her. That was exactly what I wanted to happen for months. I thought that stuff only happened in books."

Did Tegan love Emy as a friend? Yes. Did she understand Emy's case for getting back with Sara? Yes and no. Emy had done some pretty shitty things by cheating on Sara, but Tegan was the type to believe that people could change, that everyone deserved a second chance. Logically, Tegan should be more adamant to let her best friend have another chance with her sister, but that wasn't the case this time. But she couldn't tell Sara that because she wasn't sure she would say it for the right reason. She bit her tongue.

"I don't want to be sad anymore, Tee."

Tegan could feel her heart break. The last thing she wanted was for Sara to feel sad. She'd spent all this time helping her twin, trying to cheer her up and see that glimmer of happiness re-spark in Sara's eyes. She couldn't let herself be the cause of Sara not finding that happiness again.

"Then why didn't you take her back?" Tegan asked.

"I don't know," Sara said honestly. "She hurt me. It doesn't feel that simple."

Deep down, Tegan was proud that Sara wasn't self-deprecating enough to go back to Emy without any consideration of how Emy might hurt her again. She was content with the answer as it was what she expected Sara to feel. She didn't feel it was necessary to respond.

Sara mistook the quiet as Tegan biting her tongue again and even more softly whispered, "You think I'm stupid, don't you? You think I should have taken her back already."

"N-no!" Tegan defended quickly. That was the exact opposite of what she thought. "I _don't_ want you to take her back!" The words slipped out, and Tegan immediately covered her mouth. While she'd been thinking it, she hadn't meant to say her thoughts so soon and so boldly.

Sara stirred beside her, and her body twisted beneath the sheets until she was turned around completely, no longer staring at the wall of the bunk and instead leaving her face just inches from Tegan's. "You don't want me to get back with her?"

Tegan opened her eyes again and was able to make out the stark outlines of Sara's face. From this close the light didn't matter, and she felt like she could finally see her twin, finally hold a real conversation with her. In Sara's eyes and words wasn't anger or upset, it was just surprise. "I mean . . . she cheated on you, Sare. That's no little thing."

"Yeah," Sara agreed, her breath ghosting across Tegan's features. "But she said it wouldn't happen again. She ended it all on her own to be with me."

Emy did have that going for her, and in the world of affairs that was probably the best ending imaginable for the original couple. Tegan could hear the genuine guilt in Emy's voice as she explained her story, and she knew for a fact that if Sara took her back, Emy wouldn't take advantage of that.

"I just want to be happy," Sara said. "She did make me happy."

"There are other things that can make you happy, too, y'know."

"Like what?" Sara had known happiness when they were together, and had lost all sense of good in the world when she left her for those couple of months. She'd been without her partner, and nothing else had been able to give her that same happiness.

"Doesn't this make you happy?" Tegan gestured between them, and Sara couldn't see it as much as feel it, the short distance between them not allowing Tegan to move much more than to touch Sara's middle then touch her own body again.

Tegan had brought up the one point she could in this situation. Tegan had made her happy, with and without Emy, throughout their whole lives. These nights cuddled in bed with Tegan, did bring her more relief than maybe she realized.

Propping herself on one elbow, Tegan raised her body as far up as she could in the small bunk, hovering over Sara. Gently, she placed one hand on Sara's shirt, over the spot on her chest where her heart rested beneath the fabric. "Because this makes me really happy, Sara. And I want to make you happy, too."

Before either of them could stop it, Tegan's lips were on Sara's in a deep, gentle kiss that was so much different than the light pecks they had previously shared. This was a_ kiss_, and when Tegan's tongue grazed Sara's bottom lip, the younger twin felt no qualms about opening her mouth and her heart to her sister.

The kiss quickly intensified as Tegan let her inhibitions go, having already made the biggest step in taking her relationship with Sara to the next level. If Sara was willing to kiss her back, there was no point in stopping now, and Sara's neck quickly succumbed to a string of Tegan's kisses. She was hungry, yet gentle, careful not to leave any marks on Sara's skin. Sara hadn't chosen, hadn't said she was going back to Emy, but hadn't said she would give up her ex to be with Tegan. This kiss didn't mean they were together like Tegan wanted them to be. The animal in Tegan told her to mark her territory, let Sara know she was serious about keeping her and let Emy know Sara had moved on. But Tegan couldn't do that to her twin. In the end all she wanted was for Sara to be happy, and if she chose Tegan, she could mark her baby sister as much as she wanted to. But if she wanted to choose Emy, Tegan didn't want to seem forceful and dominate. At the end of the day, she would support Sara no matter what, keep her safe and happy forever. And she was about to show her that.

Beneath the sheets, Tegan's thighs found their way around Sara's until she was straddling her twin, remaining in control of the kiss, but giving Sara enough space to push her off and slow down if she wanted to. The moans coming from Sara's throat signaled she had no objections, though, and when Tegan ground her hips into Sara's, it seemed to only further reassure Tegan that her twin wanted this, too. Tegan obliged, pushing her hips down into Sara again, and the hiss of pleasure from Sara's lips was followed by a scratchy command of, "Take your pants off, Tee."

Maneuvering clothing around her limbs was hard in the little space she had to move, but she undid the button on her jeans and slowly wriggled out of the material, tossing it outside the bunk to land on the hall floor. The curtains ruffled between them and the rest of the bus, and Tegan sat up and started removing her shirt, urging Sara to do the same.

They were fully naked, and Tegan could finally tell just how beautiful Sara was. In the dark she couldn't see it, couldn't overanalyze the faults she found on her own body and apply them to Sara, couldn't see the exhaust on Sara's face, and couldn't see the scars on Sara's skin. Tegan felt blind, but that made her other sense stronger. Now she could feel Sara's body, each curve and how it fit into the creases of Tegan's own skin, the soft flesh of the pair melting together into one body of warmth. She could also smell the tangy scent of Sara's sex combined with her own, and hear the hitch in Sara's breath each time she tried to inhale.

They were face to face, cunt to cunt, and lips to lips with Tegan still on top, her arms tucked under Sara to support the arching of her back as she grinded into Tegan's swollen button with her own. When was the last time either of them felt this good? Sara, of course, had been without sex for the past couple of months, but Tegan had been without long before that. Part of the older twin told her to calm down, chalked the intensity of the sex up to being so pent up and frustrated. But with Sara writhing and whimpering beneath her, Tegan couldn't remember the last time she'd had sex this good. Hearing Sara and feeling her heartbeat against her chest gave away that she was absolutely wild with lust, and Tegan didn't think she'd ever made a girl's heart beat that fast before. Her thighs had never experienced this much stickiness, and whether the cum was Sara's or her own, she had never been so wet or made a girl so wet before.

It was only natural for things to build, for nails to scratch backs, and teeth to sink into collarbones, and thighs being gripped to the point of bruising. And it was only natural for the most intense orgasm to rip through both of them at the same time.

Tegan's brain was so numb, even if she had been able to see, she would have seen double, would never had been able to focus on the beauty that was Sara's face, sweaty and flushed from the heat of passion. As she lay there, collapsed on top of her equally as exhausted twin, only one thing came to Tegan's mind. "That was –"

"Amazing," Sara finished, tangling her hands in Tegan's hair and sleeping better than she had in months.


End file.
